35 and Undecided

parenthood resources May 31, 2016

Why it's best to uncover your true desires about motherhood as soon as possible

Are you in your mid-thirties and childfree because you're:

·      Undecided about whether you want to be a mom?

·      Unsure about whether you want children?

·      Waiting for the conditions to be right?

I’ve had countless women in their 40s come to see me who'd assumed — when they were in their 30s — that they would find the answers to the above questions effortlessly. They tell me: “When I was in my thirties, I figured the answer would just come to me,” or “I thought I wanted to be a mom but now I’m not so sure” or “I just assumed I wanted to be a mom.” They convinced themselves that they were waiting for certain external conditions to fall into place — a job, enough money, the right partner — only to find out later that despite the external conditions, they still were unsure about what they truly wanted.

My question to you, women in your 30s, is simply this: Do you know what you want? And do you understand what that wanting is about? Do you feel 100 percent certain of your desire?

It’s better to get clear on your desires concerning motherhood early so that the decision isn’t made for you or you don’t feel pressured to make a decision quickly. Even if you think you know what you want, there is no risk in exploring your truth. If, something is true for you it won’t become NOT TRUE by exploring it.

If you’re in your 30s, you may feel you don’t want to decide what to do until you’re older. That's a fine choice to make. But don’t wait to uncover your true desire! Even if you think you’re pretty sure you want to be a mom, but you aren’t completely sure, I encourage you to figure out what you want and what is completely true for you before you have to make a decision. And if you’re pretty sure you DON'T want to be a mom, I also recommend becoming completely clear, so you know how you want to proceed in your life so you don’t have regrets later.

There’s no shame in not knowing or feeling ambivalent. It’s not your fault if you don’t have clarity. However, you’re the only one who can figure it out. Only you can know what’s true for you.

Exploring your true desire now can give you the confidence to approach any decision-making on your own terms and in your own time. You have nothing to lose by pausing now and finding out what your true desire is. Knowing your true desire allows you to make decisions about motherhood when the timing is right for you.